It wasn't always this way. I used to be a regular writer in Chicago. Before that I was an innocent school boy at the University of Missouri. Before that I acted in a lot of high school plays. Before that I was the defensive specialist on my junior high basketball team. Before that I wore Umbros™ over black spandex shorts every day to elementary school. Before that I won third place in a national dinosaur drawing contest. Before that I learned to talk. Before that I was born. Before that I did not exist.